The last time I posted here, it was May 2011. Almost exactly nine months ago, to the day. During that time, there have been so many, many things about which I wanted to write. But, I did not.
Perhaps that is because I’ve been busy, concentrating so much time and effort on my work on my first independent game (as The Tiniest Shark). I’m incredibly excited about it all, and am so glad that I’m finally not too far from being able to talk about it on record. (But that is for another post, for later.)
Of course, claiming that would be a bit of an excuse. Although that is what has been what’s taking up most of my time, after all, if I really wanted to, I could have made the time to write. The real reason is one about which I will refrain from talking about directly, for a multitude of similarly complex-but-really-quite-stupid reasons to those I’ll give below. But, it is best explained (though, for obvious reasons, not quite perfectly explained) through this excerpt/monologue from Charlie Kaufman’s Adaptation, one of the best films of all time:
“Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn’t be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’m a walking cliche. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There’s something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I’m way overdue. If I stop putting things off I will be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn’t fat I would be happier. I wouldn’t have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that’s fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more, improve myself. What if I learned Russian or something? Or took up an instrument? I could speak Chinese. I’d be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that? Just be real. Confident. Isn’t that what women are attracted to? Men don’t have to be attractive. But that’s not true. Especially not these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it’s my brain chemistry. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. I’ll still be ugly though. Nothing’s gonna change that.”
You’ve probably guessed that this isn’t just about blogging here, or even just writing anywhere else; instead, it is about the reasons I do what I do (or, rather more accurately, why I don’t do what I don’t do). One symptom: I have drafted so many of these ‘hey, I’m writing again!‘ type posts, but have not posted them, because I thought they were not good enough, somehow. As though it somehow even matters. (It really does not matter.) Indeed, this is most definitely not ‘good enough’ either (that also does not matter). I may cringe at this much later, and decide to delete it, but for the immediate future, it’s important that I do not. That’s all. If I have gone ahead and posted this, then let’s consider that a good first step.
[Wait, that is not actually all. Despite having struggled with feeling able to react this way myself over the past twelve months (in instances where it would have bee appropriate), I am now going to start channelling the amazing Amy Poehler in this. So, even though I'm sure I will never entirely lose all of my crippling self-doubt Charlie Kaufmanning, I will make every effort to replace my Charlie Kaufman with an Amy Poehler instead. Er, yes.]
[Edit: In retrospect, the above seems like a clumsy, long quote to have chosen, simply for fear of talking about my own vulnerability in my own words, but, I shall stand by it. Thanks, and sorry, Charlie Kaufman. The real one, I mean not the metaphor; I do not thank the latter at all. Also, I still think Synecdoche, New York, was the better movie, though.]
[Edit 2: The next day. Okay, I keep nearly deleting this post, out of, I guess shame (or whatever), about how I feel. But, in the interests of fighting that unhelpful feeling, I am going to use this space to post a bunch of relevant (ongoing) links by people I admire, or articles on the topic I find inspiring, or which, simply, remind me that this is not so weird as I think it might be.]
- Hyperbole And A Half: Adventures in Depression.
- Brene Brown, TED Talk: The Power of Vulnerability.
- Write Like a Mother******. (can be applied to pretty much any creative endeavour.)
- 25 Things I Want To Say To So-Called ‘Aspiring’ Writers. (again, can be applied to pretty much any creative endeavour.)




























